From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
