1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
