I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
