Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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