I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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