Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
