If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
