I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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