like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
