guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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