Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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