yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
