so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
