It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize