he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
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