new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
