How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
