I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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