My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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