Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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