Kareoke will never be a sober sport
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My cat gives me a boner
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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