i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
