i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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