I want to have your abortion
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
