You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
