Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
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