and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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