I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize