GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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