I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
