I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize