Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
