I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
