Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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