...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
