I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
