Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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