"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
