You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
