I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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