I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
