Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
