Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
