Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
As shirtless as possible
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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