dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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