You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
