the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
