I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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