You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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