At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
im six kinds of drunk right now
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
