We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
