my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Randomize
