dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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