I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
