how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
