I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
