I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
