Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Randomize
