Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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