i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
