am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
