Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
