im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
no, he came in my armpit
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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