At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
