you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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