my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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