Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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