perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
