How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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