Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
