1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
